New Year’s Memoir – 2024 Edition

March

Shortly after this trip, E and I abruptly came to an end. There were three graduations: in December, shifting to a lower-key dating mode (while remaining open, in theory); on Feb 28, breaking up while maintaining amicable relations; and then in May, ceasing communications altogether. ’Tis quite a strange experience-complex for me to spend so much time closely and affectionately with someone for it to discontinuously enter the void. Around September, I asked about catching up over coffee, which was rejected… 🌬🦗🕳.

As a cautionary tale, I would warn against toning down a fairly intense primary romantic and sexual relationship when break-up seems likely. Your mileage may vary; however, it could be a clear break before reconnecting is more wise.

One of the lessons that helped to end our relationship more rapidly, as it had dragged on for many a month in a pattern of nearly-satisficing as we inefectually try and run into challenging circumstances¹Clearly we were not implementing Grant Cardone’s 10x rule., is from Steve Pavlina. I tend to value explicit intentions very highly, which makes me liable to honor good intentions and to show up to situations that are simply not working because “we’re trying” 😉. This catalyzed me to do something different than a pattern I’d done multiple times and seen not work, which was exhilarating like diving into the unknown, and changed things quickly. I’m still integrating this lesson: imagine if we simply stopped showing up to democratic or economic systems we deem are not working! 

Just showing up is saying “yes”.

Contemporaneously, I also came down with a rather rough cold/flu where I had very low energy and headaches I might rate as 5-7 out of 10 on a logarithmic pain scale. Hard to say as I recall very few severe pains. Childbirth is usually around 7-8 out of 10 on these scales. Fracturing my ankle was quite painful yet I think those only score a 4-5. Cluster headaches seem significantly worse than childbirth²“Sufferers have described cluster headaches as feeling as though you are giving birth through your eyeball, but without the prize of a baby when you are done.”. Perhaps the worst part was that the pang of the headache would come out of the blue a few times a minute and it was hard to suppress this sensation that some club was whacking me by surprise. A constant pain might be easier to deal with, I imagine. Taking Paracetamol and Ibuprofen together mostly suppressed them, whereas either one alone didn’t quite work.

I decided not to extend the lease to my trusty 14-16m² apartment, so had to move out by April. Moreover, the grant I was funded on during Ph.D. studies was ending and the new grant for the Formal Ethics Ontology³Also see the work in progress Ethics Wiki. had yet to arrive due to our institute⁴Czech Institute of Informatics, Robotics and Cybernetics (CIIRC) needing to be reviewed as equivalent to a US non-profit. 

All of which made for ingredients to quite an interesting period. I dove into the motivation-free darkness that can come post-breakup quite rapidly. One lesson/theme is to reach out to people for emotional and practical support and to feel more comfortable doing so 😊. This led to receiving support from Ben, an offer from Ilmėja’s mom to stay in Vilnius for a couple of weeks, and ultimately staying with a Czech friend until the end of July.

I’d often thought that when I stared off into space, I saw a deep sadness within my eyes. And I’ve generally valued experiencing emotions as they come, diving into the emotional despair. Sinking into this dark void of personal hope, allowing my being to be immersed in it, resigning myself to the possibility of no women being sexually or romantically interested in me again, I wondered what else to do with life. I’ve experienced a fair amount of personal, solo pleasures already and wasn’t particularly interested in traveling to see the sights alone, learning sans praxis, living for culinary delights, etc. I’m sure the breakup, moving, and illness cocktail helped to sink in deeper 🕳🐇. At some point closer to Mar 10, some spark of inspiration to at least do what I can to help others experience life as they see fit began to resurface ✨. As well as to put myself in the position for potential partners to say yes to being with me 😊. 

My experience is that post-breakup despair often leads to helpful insights, such as my reflections in 2011 as to “why do anything at all, anyway?”. In 2020, the lesson was on how to shift focus to areas of life where I’ll receive reciprocal interest while cherishing the love I feel for my now-former partner. This time, I gained a purity of spirit to my altruistic intentions of co-creating paradise with y’all 😉. As well as some acceptance for the nature of consensual relationships and how they cannot be guaranteed to appear. So far, I don’t see that deep sadness in the depths of my eyes anymore 😳🥹.

I just barely managed to recover from despair and shotgun headaches in time for Ozora One Day in Prague⁵Also on Facebook., which was an especially great party last time I went. The DJs played especially good sets, there were plenty of fresh faces, and even the regulars were in the best of spirits. My favorite social venues generally have a regular throughput of new people — some draft 🌬🕺💃. I was doubting whether to go due to my state and within five seconds of arriving, the set blew me away: Tod playing in the style of Captain Hook, a favorite DJ/producer. I felt very much at home.

Within five minutes of dancing, I’d made eye contact with a girl, K, and by one hour in we were dancing rather intimately. Multiple dreams came true that night. I’d long wished to sensually dance closely while blending into the music and visuals, luxuriating in floating between making out, our warmth, the decorations, the smiley vibes around us, . . . 🥰💭. As a curious twist of fate, I’d yearned for this experience through two long-term relationships and received the blessing the moment the second ended 🥲😁. I also learned that purple vape kisses are quite cutely fun 🤭. 

To make matters more fun, K and I seemed to nudge each other toward being even more pro-social than either would be alone. I saw a meme on a Telegram sticker of a 4-way kiss and had really wished to try it out. Mentioning this, we promptly set on finding willing experimenters. Yay, another dream fulfilled. In review, the 4-way seems a bit awkward. The 3-way kiss can work really well, I think, as our cheeks press together warmly 😳🥰.

The fact that such experiences and nights are on the table for me was very reassuring⁶I haven’t met K since, for what it’s worth 😂🤠🤷‍♂️.

Anyway, next up was DJ Ondrej Psyla‘s birthday party in a cute little basement club in Prague where I received some neat dolphin facepaint.

Also featured is my first public dick pic. Hope you like it 😉.

I must also mention Altenburg 64, a cargo ship parked by the Troja bridge where one can enjoy some rather fantastic raves. This night was acid tekno⁷In Czech, the ‘k’ and ‘ch’ in techno can be used to denote how hard or soft the music is.. If you’re curious about the genre, I’d recommend checking out Chris Liberator, who I danced to in Prague before discovering that he’s among the best :D.